Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
