we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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