They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
