My sheets look like a crime scene.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
