Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just took my morning after pill in the library
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
