Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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