Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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