Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
