Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
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I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
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I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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