I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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