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Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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