Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
