things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
