Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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