I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
