My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
