oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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