Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
