even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
