I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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