yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
