can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
