hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
