I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
