I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize