Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
