well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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