the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
