o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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