i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
