her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
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I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
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don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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