How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
