my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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