Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
