Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
