My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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