good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
