Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
