People in love make me want to vomit
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
