Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
