the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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