I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
