her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
