new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
