don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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