I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
