I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
