We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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