How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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