DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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