Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
