bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
