How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
