Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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