Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
