dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
